Letter from the Author

It has come to my attention that on a certain place that I have received some rather…unflattering feedback from someone who went to critique my last review but when I sat down and meditated on it part of me couldn’t help but wonder if this person wasn’t attempting to review the reviewer. Talk about a paradox, right?

Well, I’m going to show you what this person wrote. I’m not big on name dropping so don’t even ask me if you yourself weren’t there.

“Well since you felt like advertising I will critique it!

1) Reviews are for those interested in the game, you're probably never going to become a celebrity with active readers, or at least not the majority of your readers at any rate. Starting your review of a game with a completely unrelated explanation of why you've been inactive is unprofessional.

2) Bringing up wages is unprofessional, especially when it seems you're begging for donations.

3) You called Sword Girls the 'must f***ing dumb name ever'. Did I mention unprofessional? You're advertising this review on the fan-forum of the game you're practically bashing? You're using the insult 'dumb' when you use 'must' in place of 'most', showing you didn't even bother to proof-read the article you expect to make money or donations off of?

Christ, I'm just gonna stop there. This is embarrassing to read, let alone post, and I'm sure the rest of it is just as awful. In content, grammar, and writing style.

ANYWAY MOVING ON.”

No, I didn’t get cute by bleeping out all the fucking cussing it’s just that the message board in question has a chat filter and I wanted my quote to be exact so whoever it is can’t say I minced words. So I plan on attacking these points here. I had left a relatively “sanitized” version of my reply on the forum because parts of what I really feel about this person could earn me a suspension, warning or even an outright ban. I want to bare my fangs but I’m not stupid.

Also I just want it to be clear that I am not one who gets pissed off at criticism at all. That is as long as you limit the attacks to the WORK and not at the PERSON or give meaningless criticism. If you think I did good then tell me where I did well so I may improve my strong areas to keep them as such. On the flipside if I did poorly tell me where this weakness lies so I may work on them to produce a better product. Anyway, here we go.

1)      Reviews are for those interested in the game, you're probably never going to become a celebrity with active readers, or at least not the majority of your readers at any rate.

You don’t know me well but I realize that. The market is FLOODED with reviews and as much as I would LOVE this blog to be a source of income it’s just not looking possible anytime soon and I have come to terms with that. EVERYONE IS A CRITIC. I bet as we speak a Cat is reviewing Dota 2, a Dog is reviewing some Call of Duty clone and your Grandmother is reviewing Tetris. If I am to reach celebrity status I doubt it will come from this but rather some other arena.

Starting your review of a game with a completely unrelated explanation of why you've been inactive is unprofessional.

You’re right. It’s not the least bit related. I mean I got a bunch of people checking back and forth on this blog and have noticed my activity has reached a serious low. Why WOULD I waste their time wondering where I have been and excusing myself for my untimely and abrupt absents? WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY MANNERS!? I should just leave them dangling in the air, shouldn’t I? Well, I might not have many readers at this point but for the ones I do have I felt it was important enough to address. So yes, it’s NOT NEEDED but I give it as a common curtsey and if you don’t like it you can go fuck a cactus. And no, you may not use lubricants or pain killers before, during or after.

2)      Bringing up wages is unprofessional, especially when it seems you're begging for donations.

As I explained on the forum this was supposed to be an attempt at humor that fell flat. So flat you didn’t even seem to find it funny how hard I had failed. You must be a rather humorless person yourself and since it fell so flat I will explain the failed joke even if it does violate a tropes rule.

The first time I “begged” was being funny about how for some people, this is a job and they are expected to deliver on a timely manner for the promise of monetary gain. As of now I do this primarily as a hobby. I am not on anyone’s payroll so I was explaining in jest that since I have no one to answer to (be they an employer or someone who donates to me so much that they have some sense of entitlement and feels that I “owe them” to come in on time come Hell or high water) I really have no reason to keep my schedule other than as a way of getting a routine down. In reality since this blog has been up I have had absolutely no donators. As much as I would love to have them, begging for them will not make them come. I realize this so I decided to have fun with it.

The second point where I “begged” I was attempting to play the role of the gaming addict who blows whatever they can spare and beyond on a game. You strike me as a rather analytical person…too analytical to be precise because it went right over your head. For everyone else I must apologize for my delivery being God awful. Humor is subjective and it depends on a context to work which can be hard to actualize if you are not being heard (using tone of voice to give context) or if it’s an in joke (which you would have to be a long term viewer of the content or really know the person to get it). Lesson learned, moving on.

You called Sword Girls the 'must f***ing dumb name ever'. Did I mention unprofessional? You're advertising this review on the fan-forum of the game you're practically bashing?

OH MY GOD, YOU’RE SO FUCKING SHORT SIGHTED IT GIVES ME CANCER AND AIDS! It strikes me that you never bothered to read the entire fucking review since you’re so fucking quick to fucking snap at me it’s not even funny. First of all, what MORON would come onto a FAN SITE to attack the fucking game? That’s virtual suicide! You think I WANT to be harassed by mouth breathers like you who can’t even see context or are too fucking lazy to read the fucking review all the way through!?

Had you read the review I said I liked the game but just because I like the game doesn’t mean I got my head stuck so far up Cinia Pacifica’s ass (that’s her Maids job) that I can’t see any flaws or see what someone looking at the name of the game for the first time would think. I STILL THINK THE NAME IS DUMB AS FUCK AND WHOEVER CAME UP WITH IT SHOULD BE BEATEN but unlike shallow minded people who would laugh and just turn away from it without even giving it a shot I gave it a chance despite the name. I like the game but the fact I think the name is dumb as all fuck will not change anytime soon. Anyway on to attacking you more since you got me in such a scribing mood tonight.

You're using the insult 'dumb' when you use 'must' in place of 'most', showing you didn't even bother to proof-read the article you expect to make money or donations off of?

This is the ONLY POINT YOU MADE THAT WAS VALID! The ONLY FUKING POINT! Like I explained politely on the forums was that I wanted to get back on track so I didn’t think to proof read it much (if at all) and really could benefit from a proof reader. But what I REALLY WANTED TO TELL YOU was that despite the point you made, you sir or ma’am are an ASS. You made a critical point and addressed a weakness but you were a FUCKING ASS about it. And speaking of ass…

Christ, I'm just gonna stop there. This is embarrassing to read, let alone post, and I'm sure the rest of it is just as awful. In content, grammar, and writing style.

And here you just admit that you didn’t even fucking bother to read the entire thing. You sir strike me as someone I wish not to associate with offline. I don’t even wish to associate with you online. Now I checked back on the board and saw your follow up, which is what inspired this reply. It is apparent that you are not my target audience. It is apparent that you think my writing style is shit. It is apparent that you dislike the character. It is apparent that you take opportunities to attack the person in ways you find “cleaver” and need to prove yourself to be smart with responses like “Be professional” while simultaneously taking shots at me in ways you feel prove your superiority complex.

Tell me something. Is it lonely up there on your pedestal? I have an audience but I don’t believe it’s you. In fact I would be horrified into a comma if someone as you enjoyed or even followed this.

I have taken your feedback in, but not to heart. And no, I will not find a new hobby. In fact your “criticism” has inspired me to keep on point. I will not stop with the fucking cursing. I like it too much and I don’t use it in excess normally, in fact if you met me offline you would know I rarely if ever curse at others.

Stay classy and if you’re reading this here’s something you can beat off to for all the kind words and boat load of valuable feedback I have received. You know, make your nights less lonely.

You’re welcome.

Sword Girls – Deep or Shallow?

 

Hello, it’s been awhile but anyone who read the last entry will know why I was absent in these past few months. Also, it’s not like I’m getting paid to do this (yet), or get donations…at all. So I hope no one takes it like I’ve been slacking off because I haven’t.

If anything I’ve been playing a game called Sword Girls. YES, it’s really called that; this game needs to be given an award for must fucking dumb name ever possibly given for a game. It’s so bad I can’t even say its name aloud with a straight face and I don’t think I ever will. Anyway let’s get to the meat and potatoes because like me I’m sure you got a bunch of things you need to get done.

Sword Girls is a Collectable Card Game hosted by ChangYou and according to its Facebook page, its growing in size for the devoted…how many of those people still play the game is anyone’s guess. The  game has been through 2 Closed Beta tests since last year that I got to partake in both. Sadly I didn’t get to spend much time in the second part, thus lost my chance to get a special promo card for getting 100 wins in a week (maybe I’ll be lucky and they’ll offer it again in some other way). ANYWAY MOVING ON.

The game has four factions. In their most basic form there’s Academy (Beat Down), Vita (Tank & Spank), Crux (Walling & Buffs) and Darklore (Power at a price). There is a story revolving around the four main girls but I’m a reviewer, I write for people that could be short on time so I don’t do fluff so if you want the story details look them up. Google is your friend.

There are several cards you need to get used to. Characters (they give out the orders and can even effect which cards you can use), Followers (think of them as your characters soldiers) and Spells (various effects that run a wide gambit). There is a fourth kind but I’ll get to that in a little while. What you’ll notice on the screen shot I provided above is several numbers on the characters. The first one is Attack (ATK which it will be referred to henceforth). ATK is how much damage this card will deal to the enemy follower.  The one in the middle is Defense (DEF is what it will be referred to as from now on). DEF determines how much of the ATK is nullified before being taken out of the third number, Stamina (STA is how I will refer to it from here on out since that’s how the game has it in shorthand). STA determines how much damage a follower can take before they die. In an interesting note, DEF can be taken into the negatives and you’ll deal even more damage to the unfortunate soul.

Your Character only has Life to worry about in numbers. Once this hits zero you lose. Size is another factor you have to take into consideration. This is the Sword Girls resource system. If at any point your field size would meet or exceed 10 you can’t play anymore cards from your hand. Size also has combat significant. When a follower is killed the Character who was controlling the Follower at the time loses Life equal to the Size of the Follower. Speaking of followers, as long as there is a Follower on your side of the field they will be attacked. If no Followers are present, your Character will take damage equal to the Size of the enemy follower.

I will go on with attacking and cover Spells a bit more but before I do you must know something. Cards are placed down in a time limit of 30 seconds. Once both players are ready (or time runs out) all the cards are revealed and then…a COIN FLIP determines who acts first. Yep, that’s right, the Random Number God will determine if you’re worthy of acting first. Also, see the five zones on each side? Well, the cards have to be placed in number order. So sadly you can’t take Card A and just slap it in Zone five to avoid it from taking a hit to something that eats cards in Zone one for breakfast. If you want to keep it safe you got to clog up Zone one first with something else, which might be counterproductive since it could force you to use a card in a way you didn’t want to just so you can have the card you wanted to play avoid being a victim.

Speaking of order and chaos one thing you got to keep in mind is that no matter what, before any of your Follower can attack your Spells activate first. So if you really need to heal someone and if the opponent gets first strike, chances are you just wasted a card. Speaking of inopportunity, YOU DON’T CHOOSE WHO ATTACKS WHO OR WHAT EFFECT EFFECTS WHO! So if your Follower is feeling stupid they could attack the worst possible opponent while leaving the weakened Follower alive longer and possibly kill the stupid person who was stupid enough not to finish them off. Your spell could affect the unintended target. As for more on attacking when your Follower attacks an enemy follower, if they survive they will be counterattacked by the target.

Now I know what a good deal of you might be thinking. “Why the hell should I play this game when I cannot control anything!?” As strange as this might sound reading it at first you have more control then you realize. You’re probably laughing so just get it all out of your system now before I go on. Are you done now? Good. Now as I was saying, the real planning as it were is all done during the deck building phase. You know, figuring out how you want to win. As of yet there doesn’t seem to be too many ways to assure victory (Debuff the enemy to death, buff your Follwers to crazy heights, Size manipulation to kill the opponents in fewer turns are all I can think of off the top of my head). As for the randomness factor of battles you can think of it as a more action packed poker.

I’m not a math person but I can see that quite a bit of probability comes into play and those who will take the top ranks in number of wins will more than likely have a high understanding of Mathematics. However since things are still random that Mathlete is still as vulnerable to the wrath of the Random Number God as the rest of us not-so-educated mortals. They’ll just be able to circumvent it better on average and will more likely blame themselves for misplays (unless they’re conceded as all hell) than those of us who can’t see through the illusion of no control.

Speaking of controlling stuff I never did get to that fourth kind of card. That fourth kind I was telling you about (for some stupid as hell reason) also falls under the Spell classification. These are Material cards. They cannot be placed in the deck and have no effects of their own, but what they do have Is the power to be made into new cards. Each time you fight, win or lose you get these at random (well, you ALWAYS get these but which ones and how many are random). Doing Dungeon runs will grant you materials you can’t get fighting people and will give you a copy of the Boss card for your own use if you’re victorious over the dungeon ten times (or once if you’re some no lifer who manages to be the very first person on the server to beat the Dungeon). Of course it’s to be expected that the Boss character will be gimped to hell and back in some way (as I speak I have yet to run through a Dungeon that many times to obtain a Boss card).

As for match making the game assures that you’re matched with someone who has about the same Deck Points as you, so unless you decide to play at off hours or such, if you’re poor as all fuck you won’t be running into Mr. and Ms. Suitcase unless they take all the rare cards out of their deck that mommy and daddy bought them and sink down to commoner level. That’s right newbies, no need to worry about running into them unless you happen to be loaded or a dedicated (read: no life having) player. Oh, and in case no one is currently available you’ll be matched against an NPC.

Alright, it seems like I’ve been all sunshine and farts up until now and that’s because I save my complaints for last. Everything has its downsides and if it didn’t it would be too good to be true. First off is the “Booster Packs”. I say “Booster Packs” because one card for 25 Tokens is not a pack! Before I go further into this I just like to tell you the Token to Dollar conversion rate just to put this into perspective. $1 equals 100 Tokens. Let’s say, for whatever reason you want to get 100 cards. That’s going to cost you (mind you this is the price of NORMAL packs) $25 (2500 tokens). And the worse part about that is it doesn’t even assure you that you’ll get a Double Rare. The pull rates for those are so fucking abysmal it’s not even funny! And the less said about your odds of getting a TRIPLE RARE, the better. Worry not! If you want a Double Rare that badly and don’t have a trust fund, or some illegal trade to help feed your love of this game you can always CRAFT FOR IT! Yep. With some exceptions ANY CAR YOU WANT can be crafted. So, how much would you need to make ONE Double Rare? Well this YouTube video will show you. Mind you its sped up, I don’t even want to know how much of time or money this person wasted just for this ONE CARD!:

Another gripe I got relates to match making. The system is flawed grossly but only because this game is in its infancy and could be fixed with just more players coming into (and sticking with) the game. It’s barely been out a week and we already have some no lifers who have netted 500+ wins. How is this achievement in wasting your life relevant you might ask? WELL IF YOU STOP INTERUPTING ME I’LL TELL YOU! You see the game seems to have a system where it separates people who have netted 500+ wins and those who are still under this amount. These people now have very few human opponents to play against and I’m sure a few of them are Mr. and Ms. Suit case. I don’t envy the person who isn’t so well funded who must face off against them or just an NPC. This problem isn’t helped that even your Dungeon fights are taken into account for your wins. So if you really like to grind Dungeons you’ll find yourself at 500 wins before you know it.

If those issues aren’t bad enough then the one thing that might ultimately kill the game before it had even a chance in the states would be the server instability. I’ve had difficulties getting into different channels since the start. Some days better than others, but really this shouldn’t be happening in this much. I’m sure they’re on it but if they don’t hurry up and resolve the issue the game is going to get a reputation about shitty servers and that will be the beginning of the end for Sword Girls in any English speaking Countries and beyond. I don’t care if they got to bring the servers down for two weeks; they better fix it with quickness. And speaking of servers would it kill a Maid to allow us to see how many people are currently IN a Channel before we enter it?

BOY I did a lousy job keeping this brief. By now I’m at least five pages in on Microsoft word and 2000 plus words deep, not counting the title.

Judgment: Despite all the gripes I have I would recommend this game to people, but I cannot heavily recommend it at this point in time due to server instability. ChangYou, I know you need money, but before anyone (besides that already gave) gives you any serious change you need to FIX YOUR SHIT! If you’re going to head in to stay long term, unless you’re loaded to the gills I suggest making four accounts and get a feel for each Faction and deciding which one you’ll want as your “Main”. If you plan on spending no money you better be prepared to grind for Dungeons and Materials to expand your collection. If you end up wanting to rock or at the very least sample all four at once you can’t go wrong with the Delux deck. It gives you the other three decks at a nice discount and some exclusive cards.

Well, now I’m going to see if I can’t get in at this time and if you like a donation of any amount would do because I’d like to expand on my collection of Maids a bit faster.

Well, as always I implore you to not take my words as Gospel, so after reading my thoughts give it a go yourself. Tell me what you think.

EDIT: Due to some rather....interesting criticism I was inspired to do a follow up, so click on this if you want to read it. 

I’m Back & Yu-Gi-Oh! Online Going Down!

Hello all. Sorry if I had worried anyone but I’ve been relatively bombarded by in real life issues that demanded a great deal of my attention and then Hard Drive related issues which further set me back. I’ll get into detail with the Hard Drive issues at a later date but onto the news I have received that has me buzzed. This is quoted word-for-word from the main site.

"Dear fans of Yu-Gi-Oh! ONLINE,

Yu-Gi-Oh! ONLINE DUEL ACCELERATOR is an online game for PC which allows players from all over the world to compete in online duels following the rules of Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's OCG that thanks to all of you reached worldwide popularity.

Though the Yu-Gi-Oh! ONLINE adventure started in 2005 and it was enjoyed by so many worldwide, unfortunately this adventure must come to an end. Due to internal decisions Yu-Gi-Oh! ONLINE DUEL ACCELERATOR will go offline on 09/30/2012 17:00 Pacific Standard Time .

You may find a detailed schedule for the next 6 months and a basic FAQ at the bottom of the page.

Our heartfelt gratitude go out to all the dedicated and loyal duelists all over the world who have shared their passion with us, contributed to build this service and all those who have participated. We hope that you enjoyed your duels and trades and look forward to having you compete against friends worldwide with the next great Konami game.

We're commited to supporting service until the very last day.

Please excuse the inconveniences.

Your Yu-Gi-Oh! ONLINE team

03/30/2012 20:00 Pacific Standard Time: End all BOOSTERPASS sales.

09/30/2012 17:00 Pacific Standard Time: Close down all service.

Players can play the game until 09/30/2012 17:00 Pacific Standard Time .

Please use up all in-game items, such as BOOSTERPASS Cards, BOOSTERPASS Codes, Duel Passes, and BOOSTERPASS Points, by 09/30/2012 17:00 Pacific Standard Time .

BOOSTERPASS Cards, BOOSTERPASS Codes, Duel Passes, and BOOSTERPASS Points cannot be used after 09/30/2012 17:00 Pacific Standard Time ."

And from the closing FAQ:

"Can we use unused BOOSTERPASS Cards and BOOSTERPASS Points after the end of service?

Unused BOOSTERPASS Cards and BOOSTERPASS Points will become unusable after the service is closed.

Please use all BOOSTERPASS Cards and BOOSTERPASS Points by the end of the service.

If the player's country of registration is Canada, Italy, Luxembourg, Netherlands, Japan, Korea and Taiwan:

We will refund these players' unused BOOSTERPASS Cards and BOOSTERPASS Points after the end of the service.

Details will be announced on 10/01/2012 17:00 Pacific Standard Time.

* Players' countries of registration can not be changed.

Are there any changes to Duelist Premium?

If the expiration date of the Duelist Premium is 03/30/2012 17:00 Pacific Standard Time or later, it will be extended to 09/30/2012 17:00 Pacific Standard Time .

If players receive the Duelist Premium on 03/30/2012 17:00 Pacific Standard Time or later, expiration date will be extended to 09/30/2012 17:00 Pacific Standard Time .

What is the deadline for entering BOOSTERPASS Codes?

Users can enter BOOSTERPASS Codes till 09/30/2012 17:00 Pacific Standard Time .

What is the deadline to register as a new player?

Player registration will be available till 09/30/2012 17:00 Pacific Standard Time .

Can we use Cards and Avatar items after the end of service?

No, players cannot use Cards or Avatar items after the end of the service. "

Depending on how hardcore you were into the game this is a rather bitter pill to swallow. For me I’m not the least bit surprised and I’m going to tell you why:

-          Though I’m not sure exactly the number of regions that this was done to but there were several regions that, while having access to the game were unable to by Boosterpasses in their region killing lots of potential business.

-          Lack of steady new content. To this day there are two regions on the in game map that are still inaccessible to this day.

-          The trading system was user unfriendly. The cards (when you went to trade) that were untradeable (either because they were a giveaway, the starter cards you get for signing up or the structure deck cards) got mixed in with the tradeable ones (which were limited to only cards you got from the packs). Which leads me to the next issue.

-          GREED MURDERED THIS GAME! Accessories in game cost about as much or even more so than a booster pack. Booster packs had their issues too and you paid too much for too little in terms of cards and God help you if you didn’t get anything you could at least TRADE for something you want and don’t get me started on Duelist Premium! Actually, I WILL get started with “Duelist Premium”.

-          Duelist Premium (for those who had never played Yu-Gi-Oh! Online) was a service offered to anyone who entered Boosterpass codes for Duelist Points (DP for short and will be referred to as such for the rest of the post) that for 30 days allowed you access to exclusive things(a gripe about Duelist Premium I’ve had was that regardless of how many passes you entered the highest amount of days for the service would ALWAYS be 30). Those things being able to battle against more NPC’s that came from the Anime Series and to partake in tournaments hosted by Konami which offered prizes for their victor.

The second part seemed pretty cool, until you realize that by fighting in events like Duelist Trial & Gunslinger you didn’t “win” any prize cards. You “won” the right to purchase these cards for a limited time! That’s right ladies and gents. Even though you spent money to get the DP to buy unrelated stuff you need to spend more DP to get access to the cards you “won”! WHAT A FUCKING RIP! Konami, this was bad and you should feel bad!

As I’ve seen in some places, we got people who believe this is a prank since it was so close to April first. I don’t think any company would pull such a stunt as a prank. The backlash would be devastating.

I spent a bit of money on this game. Am I sad to see it go? Not really? Am I surprised? Only that it took so long to happen. Do I have fond memories of it? HELL NO! That game gave me nothing but stress and grief! I couldn’t EVER get anything to trade with or anyone to trade with me for what I wanted and the place was littered with kids and huge spenders who stomped on people like me like bugs. In other words it was too much like the offline version.

I haven’t played the game in awhile but I plan on going back in for as long as it remains up and antagonize the kiddies with more money than sense, laughing like a madman that their investments ultimately amounted to absolute zero.

In the end, those like me get the last laugh, so I hope we all get to yuck it up. Let’s all dance around the bonfire and take a big, long piss on this dying game and the rich kiddies that made life difficult on it. While you’re at it, take a dump on it too.